Joke .... The Husband Store

[Texas Jim]

Shopping in New York City...

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs".

The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids".

The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

"You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Cadillac Jim]

OK, who dares to post a response to this one? Remeber, your posts hwere will come up on a web search engine with your name as keywords.

[cyrez00]

he...he...he...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Marika]

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[Marika]

Top Ten things NOT to say in Victoria's Secrets

- The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

- No Thanks. Just sniffing.

- I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

- Mom will love this.

- Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?

- No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

- Will you model this for me???

- Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat *smurf* into that!

- 45 bucks?? You're gonna end up NAKED anyways!!

- Does this come in children's sizes?

[Marika]

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

[cyrez00]

We got you going there hey... Marika?

Marc.

[Marika]

We got you going there hey... Marika?

Marc.

Nah, just having some fun...

[Cadillac Jim]

Why Women are Happier than Men, according to my wife:

• The kitchen is all ours.
• We get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding.
• Reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women.
• We can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage.
• We don't fart, we fluff.
• We know how to color coordinate.
• We can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar.
• We get doors opened for us.
• We’re not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces.
• We aren't too chicken to ask for directions.
• Scratching ourselves is not an hourly event in our lives.
• We can do two things at once: comprehend what someone tells us while we're watching TV, or pack a baby on our hips with a toddler holding our other hand and push a shopping cart while checking our grocery list and getting the cheapest, best products off the shelf.
• We aren't forced to compensate for their fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout their formative years.
• We can sit and read every time they go to the bathroom.
• We can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened
• We don't worry about going bald
• We never have to rearrange their testicles while wearing tight pants
• We never get their sex organs caught in their zippers while drunk
• We don't have to constantly answer "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" shortly after their third birthday.
• We don’t have to run a super-sharp piece of metal over their facial epidermal layer each and every morning of their adult lives.
• We can bludgeon someone to death with a baseball bat and then get off Scott-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"
• We can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off Scott-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"
• We don’t have to go in a public women's restroom and worry about some previous occupant soiling the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.
• We ALWAYS outlive their husbands.
• We have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for their sex organ.
• In a moment of anger, we can call someone a crude, horrible name without being exiled and excommunicated from the community of humankind.
• We know exactly what to do when a child is sick.
• We don't have a freaky, semi-oedipal relationship with their overbearing mothers
• We don't ever have to spit
• We don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blowing a huge loogie out the other.
• We have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a Petri Dish for bacteria development.
• We never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event.
• We don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for their collection of baseball caps.
• We never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on OLN.
• We can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for 'the shake.'
• We can tell our doctors anything.
• We women can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for 'the shake.'

There's more, but not for a family forum...

[WarrenJ]

Thanks everyone for your contributions. My "Outbox" got a workout (and many enthusiastic replies).

Regards,

Warren