Friday Funnies

[WarrenJ]

I subscribe to Casey's Daily Dispatch published FREE each weekday ( http://www.CaseyResearch.com ) .

Each Friday issue always includes Friday's Funnies:

Friday Funnies

Political Science 101 A young cowboy from Oklahoma goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Stillwater that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- OSU has had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "no kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive

home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street

Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,

‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?’"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school and now serves in Washington D.C. as a congressman.

Collateral Damage

A man wanted a $500 loan. He approached his local banker, who asked what he planned to do with the money.

"I'm going to take some jewelry to the city and sell it," the man replied.

"What do you have for collateral?"

"I don't know what collateral means."

"It's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Do you have any vehicles?"

"Yes. I have a 1949 Chevy truck."

The banker shook his head. "Any livestock?"

"I have a horse."

"How old is it?" the banker asked.

"I don't know. It has no teeth."

Reluctantly, the banker decided to OK the loan.

Several weeks later, the man returned to the bank with a roll of bills. "Here's the money to pay the loan," he said, handing over $500 plus interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asked.

"Put it in my pocket," the man replied.

"Why don't you deposit it in our bank?"

"I don't know what deposit means."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

The man looked suspiciously at the banker and asked, "What do you have for collateral?"

24 Hours to Live

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, “Honey, please... just one more time before I die.”

“Of course, dear,” she says, and they make love for the third time.

Afterwards, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to just four more hours. He wakes his wife again.

“Honey, I have only 4 more hours... Do you think we could...”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen, Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.”

Gone Fishing

Don Grove, our man in Washington, sent this to me as a follow-up to my fishing story last week…

A GSA building manager here in DC at one of the courts told me that a mutual friend had a run-in with a fish and game warden. “Billy was fishing last week,” he said, “caught him a mess of fish, had ‘em all in a bucket.”

About then the game warden came by and asked Billy, “You been fishin’?”

“Nope, not fishin,’” said Billy, because he didn’t have a license. Fortunately, Billy had already stowed away his tackle and was now getting ready to clean the fish.

“Looks like you got you a mess o’ fish,” said the warden.

“Oh, those fish. Those are my pet fish,” said Billy.

“Pet fish?” asked the warden, suspicious.

“Yea. I just bring ‘em down here to exercise.”

“Exercise?” asked the warden.

“Yea, I put ‘em in the lake, let ‘em swim around, and then I whistle and they all jump back in the bucket.”

The warden, even more suspicious now, said, “Let’s see that.”

Billy picked up the bucket and dumped all the fish in the lake. They promptly swam away. He and the warden stood looking out over the lake.

After a while the warden said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” said Billy.

“Aren’t you gonna whistle?” asked the warden.

“Whistle?” asked Billy.

“Yea, for the fish,” said the warden.

“What fish?” asked Billy.

Don’t Fool with Mama Nature

The following is not funny – well, the exhortations of the Italian commentator are a little funny – but it sure is worth a watch. Check out this video of a landslide in Italy. It’s stunning.

[Texas Jim]

Those are good ones...

[Jan Olsson]

Ahh, my kind of humor!

[Texas Jim]

Sure am glad I checked this thread again...

Somehow I missed the video of the landslide the first time.

It is great and almost Unbelievable...

Glad stuff like that don't happen around here.

[WarrenJ]

Friday Funnies (7/2/2010)

Our first two jokes come from a web site called, and I kid you not, OldJewsTellingJokes.com.

The site has some great jokes and fantastic joke tellers. And hats off to the site’s owners for coming up with a smart business model – namely that you have to watch a short video commercial before each joke. But the jokes, and the experience of watching the joke tellers perform, makes sitting through the ads tolerable.

While I can’t run the videos here, I can share two of the jokes to give you a sense of the thing…

Remote Control

A married couple of many years are in bed together, and the woman feels the husband’s hand under her leg, says “Oh boy, this is going to be a pleasant evening.”

A little bit later she feels his hand under her behind, and says, “Now, this is like the old days!”

Finally, she feels his hand around her thigh, but then everything stops. She asks, “Irving, what happened?” He says, “I found the remote.”

… And this…

A man was driving down the Long Island Expressway, and the police pulled the guy over and said, “Excuse me, do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?”

He said, “Thank God you told me that — I thought I was going deaf!”

Again, the website is oldjewstellingjokes.com – enjoy.

Badge of Authority

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

The World According to Carlin

Given that it is in our best interest to build the circulation to this daily service – and a special thanks to all of you who regularly pass along your editions of Casey’s Daily Dispatch to others – I am somewhat reluctant to share this next bit of video of the late, great George Carlin.

That’s because it trips over two possible wires – the first being that he humorously debunks rabid environmentalism, and the second being that he is somewhat liberal in his use of obscenity. However, with those caveats, and because this publication has what might be called a mature audience, I’m going to share the video clip for the simple reason that it is laugh-out-loud funny. If you think you might be offended, just take a pass.

.

[firefoot0315]

He raises a good point!

[WarrenJ]

Texas Jim: Don't miss the video at the end!

Friday Funnies 7/9/2010

You may have seen our first entry this week before, quotes of things people actually said in U.S. courts, but they are absolutely priceless. They come from a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, published by court reporters. Enjoy!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A Friendly Rivalry

The Australians and the New Zealanders – or Kiwis, as they are popularly called – have long had a friendly rivalry, a rivalry that makes it into their humor. In today’s installment, I share a joke told from the Kiwi perspective. Next week, I’ll give the Aussies a turn…

A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local, “G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how's it going, mate?”

Dog: “Yeah, doin' all right.”

Aussie (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep.”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake now and again to play.”

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Aussie: “Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how's it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: ”Yep.”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: ”Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.”

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Aussie (in a panic): “The sheep's a compulsive liar.”

That’s It for This Week

I’d like to leave you this week with a great video – of the Opera Company of Philadelphia, dressed in their street clothes, doing a surprise performance in a busy marketplace. It’s a great publicity stunt, and all around good fun. Thanks to Ron Y. for sending it along.

.

As always, thanks for reading and for being a subscriber to a Casey Research service!

[Texas Jim]

Warren,

I love the videos.

I like George...he is great.

The video of the Opera was fantastic...the people didn't know what the heck was going on but they enjoyed it a lot.

Especially the "OLDER" people...I watched it twice...

[WarrenJ]

Friday Funnies (7/23/2010)

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Eric came home from work The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Eric."

Husband and Wife Jokes

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

***

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

Funny Vids

The first, “

,” is a snip from a French program about a tree in Africa where animals gather to partake of the fermented fruit. You don’t need to speak the language to appreciate the drunken antics of the monkeys, elephants, and others of the animal kingdom that appear to go out of their way to get well lit up.

The second is from a longtime personal favorite, the late great George Carlin, in which he addresses a group of politicians on their lying ways.

And that, dear readers, is that for the day – and for the week.

[Jan Olsson]

I watched the video with George Carlin. That was so true!

I had a co-worker who had his encyclopedia handy if the chief of the purchase department was going to address him...

[JimD]

George never failed to deliver.

You knew he was going to throw a wakeup call in your face and make you laugh about it. And perhaps remember it.

[WarrenJ]

Friday Funnies (7/30/2010)

New Element Found – Administratium

AMES, IA—The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discoverers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Funny News Reporter Bloopers

Thanks to our own Chris Wood for sending this collection of bloopers involving television reporters… I literally cried with laughter. You start at the top of the page, then scroll down to go through the website's ranking of the top ten funniest bloopers. Have fun!

http://news.cnet.com...orter-bloopers/

From Casey's Daily Dispatch

[WarrenJ]

Friday Funnies (Oct. 29, 2010)

Before leaving for Argentina, I shared the following quip from Doug Casey in the Friday Funnies.

"Some people say that Americans are ignorant and apathetic," said Doug. "But I don't know and I don't care."

It turns out that, according to subscriber John E., that is considered a Paraprosdokian sentence. In case you are unfamiliar with the term, as I was, it is, according to one reference I came across, "a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists."

John E. was kind enough to send along some additional examples of the word form that I thought you'd enjoy…

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.

More Paraprosdokians – the classics:

• "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." — Henry J. Tillman
• "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." — Will Rogers
• "She got her good looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon." — Groucho Marx
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." — Groucho Marx
• "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." — Groucho Marx
• "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx
• "Take my wife – please." — Henny Youngman

A Halloween Joke

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started, and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.

Thank God our kids were with me this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single-engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

Make Like a frog

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her grandma and bursts into her grandpa's room…

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

[WarrenJ]

Friday Funnies 6/10/11

This week, primarily because I am running late - but also because they're good - I'm running a list of Canadian jokes from a Canadian subscriber, Garry J.

Canadian Jokes

Joke # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona"' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson?"

The Molson Canadian president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Joke #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh," answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

Joke #3

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.

The surgeon was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as he recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Joke #4

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Joke #5

In Canada , we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Joke #6

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"

Joke #7

A Quebecer staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.

Joke #8

An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."