Tools Explained By A Do It Yourself Guy

[Texas Jim]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-

painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner

where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, 'Oh poopoo'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to

influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used

to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want

to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you

have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily usedby most shops to

cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily

fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line

instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and

splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,

as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent

part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive

parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in

plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and

rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work

clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also,

most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Ranger]

Oh how true. I think I can relate to every one at some point or other.

[Marika]

:lol:

[Patrick7997]

Very Nice....

[Jan Olsson]

I laughed from the beginning...I can relate to every point

[WarrenJ]

I laughed from the beginning...I can relate to every point

I don't think I missed a one!

[BodybyFisher]

I just got a blood blister yesterday from needle nose pliers!